This would be me venting

3-21-2009

I must preface this post with the following ... Camilla is a very kind woman. She has excellent intuition and she has always treated me with the utmost respect. Generally, I like my job here and I am happy. It is doubtful that I would like any au pair position more than this one and I am glad to have found such good people here in Italy. That being said ... My skin is broken out and I can't stop eating. These are clear signs that shark week is right around the corner, and hasn't PMS come to mean "instinctual bitching?"

I chose to do this. I could be working at a career worthy job in the USA, but I wanted to see the world and reap the benefits of all that this experience has to offer. However, I long for home and my friends and family. I am tired of looking at Camilla's dishes and cleaning her kitchen. I want my own kitchen back and I want to wash my own damn dishes. I am role playing here. I play this role of nanny, house maid. I want to be myself again.

Camilla says I don't have to work in the mornings except on rare occasions. So, naturally I don't work in the mornings, but I sense this weird vibe that she thinks I sleep too much, or that she really would like me to help in the mornings. I have asked her to tell me if she needs me to wake early several times. I have asked her to knock on my door if something comes up and she needs an extra hand. Because of this I always sleep with some pending anxiety here. Like I didn't study for a test, or I am sleeping through class. I only sleep well when the family is away.

Sometimes, I sense that Camilla thinks I am lazy. Well, she doesn't see a lot of the things I do. Also, a lot of times I start to pick up dishes or to clean something and she tells me to stop because she wants to do it. If she is aggravated or tired, I think she takes it out on me. For example, this afternoon she took Anna to a birthday party. She was getting her ready for the party and she says to me, "You never brush the hair." What? Umm, I quite frequently brush their hair. It was Saturday morning and I forgot. I dressed all three children and played with them all day. I made them lunch, read books with Anna, cleaned up toys, changed dirty diapers ... No one told me there was a party to attend. Camilla would have rebrushed Anna's hair before the party if I had brushed it.

Yesterday Camilla complained that I put away the toys haphazardly. Usually I put the toys away nicely. I even try to arrange them so they look cute. Sometimes there is not a lot of time to put away toys before dinner. They play right up until dinner time and then go to bed right after. Camilla lectured me on how the toys must be organized because the children play better if the toys are always put in the same place. OK, she has a point ... Camilla says thank you a lot. It's not that she's unappreciative or mean. I just have to get it out, so I don't have pent up agression.

Elena, the young girl who cleans in the mornings, seems to hate me. She is always giving me some weird look. I don't work in the mornings or early afternoon. That's her shift, so she never sees me do much. Some mornings I try to help her, so she'll stop with the attitude. I put the clothes out on the line, or I load and unload the dishwasher. I am tired of this as well. Elena thinks I'm a stupid American. I can sense her resentment.

I rarely talk to Nick. We're in touch, but I never get to talk or chat with him for longer than 10 minutes it seems. This is starting to become annoying. I miss him. I miss our home and our dog. If I didn't have the Morocco trip and my Italian class to look forward to, it would be a lot easier to give up.