Not meaning to be so negative

I was reading over some of my posts, and I feel bad for being negative. I really have wonderful feelings towards this family, especially Camilla. This is just a place for me to vent. I don't have much companionship here and there's really no one for me to talk to most of the time. This is like my not-so-secret diary. Sometimes I forget that people read this stuff.

The situation is not always easy, and I sense that Camilla might be happier with another au pair, someone more like Elena. All I can do is try to help out and do what she asks of me. Sometimes I'm just really depressed and I want my friends and family. I'm feeling desperate and lonely today. A lot of times Camilla makes weird gasps and sighs at me. For example, today she walked passed my room as smirked aloud. My room is clean, but the bed was not made. I mopped the floor and cleaned the bathroom yesterday. I don't know what to make of such gestures. Next time I'm going to ask her what it is. I think it might be a good idea to leave early. I think she likes me alright and she is really very nice and kind .... I don't know how to describe the circumstance, but I feel at the mercy of someone else. I'm sure it's difficult for her as well. I mean ... I think it would be hard to welcome a stranger into your home. At the same time, I've lost a lot of my freedoms.

Today, the girls get out of school at 4:30 and Peter usually sleeps until that time. I don't have anything to do, but I feel guilty for not having anything to do. :'( Also, Camilla paid me double for last week. I didn't expect her to do this and now I'm feeling guilty about that too.